the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
