I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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