I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
