i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
