Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
