Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
