Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i believe in u and ur pee
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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