Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
