If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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