we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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