I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
