Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
