she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
