those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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