Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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