tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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