I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
