I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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