Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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