when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
