and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
did i just pee glitter
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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