The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
