I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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