I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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