I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
