Have you finally orgasmed yet?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
