I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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