Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
