i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Randomize
