i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
