All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
