Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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