I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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