I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
