I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
