So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
