I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
