Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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