You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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