Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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