i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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