oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Enjoy the penises
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
