This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
