420 ftw
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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