His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
