hotel room ftw
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
