I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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