i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
