At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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