He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
